I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
