Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
