i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
Randomize
