Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
