How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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