I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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