It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
Randomize
