mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
