Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
