Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
