How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store
I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
