I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Randomize
