Why is your signature on my underwear?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
