Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
