It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
He better not be in your backpack
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
