I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Randomize
