In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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