sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
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