If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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