Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
Randomize
