remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
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I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
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I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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