I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I just sucked dick on a ferry
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
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