goodnight i made you a song goodbye
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
