Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
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Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
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Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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