new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
