mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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