it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
