how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
