hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
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guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
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I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.