I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E