My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
