My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
