The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
