im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
We need to get me chipped asap
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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