I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
i wish my penis had a tongue
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
