I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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