do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
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