the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Randomize
