I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Randomize
