I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
