There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
