I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
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