I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
