he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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