the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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