Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Randomize
