First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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