Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
