she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
