I'm lost and stupid without you.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
