I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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