yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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