I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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