First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
