Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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