I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
