I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
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