Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Just got up.... With the club stamp on my ass.... How did it got there????
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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