it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
