You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Randomize
