Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
