plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
