Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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